A Soldier's Secret Read online

  “I think I need to take a shower. And I think you really need to chill before I get back. Watch a TV show or something. You’re kinda freaking me out.”

  As she turned to go upstairs, she couldn’t help smiling. She’d seen Mac hyperexcited before, but never quite like this.

  Once in the bathroom, she took off her clothes and ran the shower, and as she did, she heard loud music coming from downstairs. She had a funny feeling the night wasn’t going to get any better.

  In the shower, with the water running over her face, she let her body go limp and her mind soar, clearing her head of everything but the vision of being above it all—flying like an eagle, gliding on the wind. Her own form of meditation. Her savior at times.

  Feeling refreshed after her shower, she took out an overnight bag and tossed a few things she might need inside. Instead of coming right home, they’d decided to stay at a hotel, including the woman who was accompanying D.J. That way they could spend time with the boy and make him more comfortable before going home.

  Natalia didn’t need much. A change of clothes, hygiene products and some games and things she’d bought to play with D.J., to break the ice.

  Finished, she slipped on a pair of jeans and a white eyelet blouse. Candles deserved better than a T-shirt. When she went downstairs, the TV was blaring in the family room and Mac was sound asleep on the sofa. Deciding to let him sleep for a while, she sat in the chair next to him.

  The news anchor was giving an update on another escalating situation in Libya, where the UN had intervened several months earlier.

  Nerves pinched in her neck. Had they learned nothing from Iraq? Quickly, she found the remote control and clicked the off button. If there was anything that for sure might trigger a flashback, the news was it. Just that little bit made her pulse race.

  She leaned back and filled her lungs with air, focusing on the pungent scents of garlic and oregano. She was at Mac’s house, and all the killing and strife were worlds away. Here in Spirit Creek, she didn’t have to worry about any of it. The red rocks and boulders surrounding them, embracing them, were a testament to time, tranquility and peace. In another few months, the acres of pine and meadow where Mac’s house stood would be covered in snow, a pure, white, cleansing palette that made all seem right with the world.

  She glanced at Mac, whose his face was lined with worry even in sleep. She wished it was winter now. She wished that tomorrow was over and D.J. was happily running around in his new home and making friends in his new school and the community. Then the lines on Mac’s face would be smile lines. She hoped.

  SOMETHING AWOKE MAC from a deep sleep. A sound, or a door opening. Groggy, he glanced at the clock. Midnight. Probably Natalia going to the bathroom. Not hearing anything more, he rolled over. Having overdone the beer last night, he really needed the next few hours of sleep before leaving for Phoenix.

  He was glad Natalia had let him sleep some of it off before dinner. The dinner was still good when he awakened, and they’d had a great conversation about her volunteer training program at Mountain Air. He knew she was talking about other things to keep him from overthinking what to do when he met D.J., and he was glad for it.

  He’d gone to bed feeling a sense of relief that soon his son would be there and their real life together would begin.

  God, he was glad Natalia was going to stay for a while longer, and he had to remember to thank her. She was good for him. A good friend.

  He rolled over again, and just as he was drifting off, the blaring tones of reveille jarred him nearly out of the bed. He groped for his cell on the night table, swearing once again to change his ring tone to something less nerve jangling. Finding the phone, he pried his eyes open enough to see the number. Cole.

  What the heck? Cole would never call in the middle of the night unless there was a major problem. Clicking on, Mac raised himself on his elbows. “Hey, buddy. What’s the matter?”

  “It’s Serena. She’s had a miscarriage.”

  “Oh, God.” His heart sank.

  “I can’t get her to go to the hospital, so I called Natalia. She’s coming over.”

  “Is Serena okay?” He got up and, still holding the phone, worked his way into a pair of jeans while Cole talked.

  “I don’t know. Women have miscarriages all the time, don’t they? So I suppose so. But I want her to see the doctor, and she won’t talk to me. Can you check to see if Natalia has left yet?”

  “Sure.” Mac grabbed a shirt and headed for the door. He wanted to ask Cole how he was, but figured that could come later. Cole had wanted that baby as much as Serena did, maybe even more, since he’d never even seen the child she’d given up for adoption years earlier.

  “I’m checking right now.” At Natalia’s door, he knocked.

  “Come on in.”

  “She’s still here,” he told Cole as he went into the room. Seeing Natalia putting on her running shoes, he added, “We’ll be there in a few.”

  Natalia stared at him for a moment before he realized his shirt was still in his hand. Stuffing an arm into a sleeve, he said, “I’ll drive.”

  On the way, he grabbed a sweatshirt from the front closet and handed it to her. “Here, you might need this,” he said.

  Neither said a word on the way to the café, and ten minutes later they were at the back entry, which led to the apartment above. Cole met them at the door, his hair and clothes rumpled and the deep lines etching his face revealing his worry. He motioned for Natalia to go upstairs.

  Mac touched his shoulder. “Man, I’m so sorry.”

  Cole ran a hand through his hair. “I feel so freaking helpless. I couldn’t do anything to stop it, and I can’t do anything to make her feel better. As I said, she won’t talk to me.”

  Mac, who was still standing in the doorway, wished he knew what the hell to say.

  Cole tipped his head. “Let’s go into the café.”

  Mac followed him through the large kitchen, down a narrow hallway and into the restaurant.

  Cole went to the refrigerated drinks unit next to the empty glass bakery cases, took out a Snapple and handed it to him.

  “She’ll come around,” Mac said. “She’s not mad at you.”

  Cole gritted his teeth and doubled his hands into fists. “If she’d just listened and stopped doing so much—”

  “Hey.” Mac stopped him midsentence. “My sister had a miscarriage and the doc told her that nothing she did caused it, and nothing she could’ve done would have prevented it. That usually happens when something’s not right with the pregnancy, and the body knows it and takes action. Nothing Serena did caused it.”

  Cole stared at him blankly, as if confused. Then he shook his head. “No. I know. That came out wrong. I didn’t mean anything bad or…” His eyes filled with tears, his lips quivered.

  “You’re tired. You’ve probably been up all night. Why don’t you sit down and rest until Natalia comes back down?”

  “I just keep asking myself why. Why us? What did we do to deserve this?”

  “Nothing,” Mac said firmly. “You did nothing and there’s nothing you could’ve done.” He cleared his throat. He wanted to remind Cole that he had medical training and wasn’t just saying things to soothe him, but decided it wouldn’t make any difference, given how emotional his friend was at the moment. “But it is important for her to get checked over, to make sure everything is okay.”

  “I told her that. She won’t listen.”

  “How far along was she?” Mac asked, even though he knew it wasn’t very far. “The further along, the more important it is for her to see someone.”

  “I don’t know. Four…five weeks, maybe.” He spoke, but his head was off in another place, and Mac decided there was no point in saying anything more.

  They sat quietly for what seemed like eons before Natalia came downstairs and said, “She wants to see you, Cole.”

  He launched himself to his feet and fled down the hallway.

  Mac looked at Nat
alia for explanation.

  “We can go now,” she said. “He’ll take her to the E.R.”

  Mac nodded, but on the way out, he asked, “What did you say to her that made her agree to go to the hospital?”

  “I told her she needed to make sure everything is okay and won’t mess things up for getting pregnant again.”

  “And that did it?”

  “It’s a beginning. She’s devastated, but not stupid.”

  “Does she want you to go along to the E.R.?”

  “She did, but she needs to be with Cole now. They’re going to need each other more than ever to get through this.”

  That’s what his mother had said about his sister and her husband after her miscarriage. He knew what she’d meant, but tonight, the meaning was never more clear.

  Having Natalia with him the past weeks while he’d been going through all the legal mumbo-jumbo with D.J. had been like salve to his soul. He could only imagine what a mess he’d be now without her.

  Natalia’s face was drawn, her shoulders slumped, as if she’d taken a hard blow herself. She looked vulnerable and delicate in his oversize sweatshirt, but the exterior belied the strength inside. As she zipped up the front, he put an arm around her and pulled her close. “Then let’s go home.”

  MAC HAD BEEN IN BED for less than ten minutes when he heard Natalia’s door open and the hall bathroom door close. A while later, he realized he hadn’t heard her come out, so he got up and knocked on it. “Are you okay, Nats?”

  She didn’t answer, but a moment later, the door opened. “Yes,” she said quickly, and tried to brush past him. Seeing her eyes were red and puffy, he caught her arm. She stopped, but kept looking away.

  He reached up and turned her face to him. “Really?”

  She sniffled, then tears began to fall. “It’s not fair,” she said.

  “I know. Life isn’t fair.”

  She raised her arms, hands fisted against his chest. He grabbed them and held them there. He could feel the anger vibrating through her body.

  “Why? Why them? There are millions of people out there who shouldn’t have kids and do. People with hearts of stone who abuse their children and treat them like property, and who…”

  He pulled her closer and she came willingly, resting her head against his chest while he held her. He wished he had an answer, but all he could do was ask the same questions. Here he was, about to become a father to a child he’d never planned on, and two people totally committed emotionally to having children were denied. “There is no answer,” he said softly. “And it isn’t fair.”

  They stood there, Mac’s back against the door frame, Natalia’s head against his chest, until he felt her breathing settle down to an easy, even rhythm.

  Finally, she said, “We better get some sleep. We have to get up in a couple of hours.”

  He doubted she’d sleep, doubted he would, either. “You’re right. Are you sure you’re going to be okay? Because I can stay. We can talk—”

  “No.” She abruptly pushed him away. “No, we can’t. You have to sleep so you can be a hundred percent today when you meet D.J.”

  “But I can’t leave until I know you’re okay.” He’d taken care of his sisters long enough to know that when a woman said she was “fine,” that usually meant she wasn’t.

  Looking up at him, eyes still red and swollen, Natalia clenched her teeth, took his hand and dragged him into her bedroom, stopping just inside the door. She pointed to the right side of the bed.

  “I’m climbing in and I’m going to sleep. If you can’t sleep until you know I’m okay, then that’s your side. You can watch me.”

  And he did. For what was left of the night.

  THEY WERE ON THE ROAD before sunrise the next morning and now, nearing Phoenix, Mac glanced over at Natalia, who was conked out as if she’d gone ten rounds with Rocky. She was slumped against the door, her head resting on a pillow between her shoulder and the hard metal.

  Her face looked angelic in repose. Her long dark lashes looked even thicker against her cheekbones. And her lips, full and pouty, were slightly open, and her chest rose ever so slightly with each breath.

  He had watched her last night until she fell asleep, and only then did he sleep himself. When he awoke, he’d discovered Natalia cuddled up next to him, and he had to admit it felt damned good. His body thought so, too, so he’d pushed away, thankful there wasn’t time for him to wander down other paths.

  He had one main focus, and to do it he had to keep his head in the right place. Besides, getting involved physically with a friend never paid off in the end. Their long friendship meant a lot more to him than a few nights of physical pleasure.

  Still, being around her so much of the time was making it harder and harder to keep that perspective.

  Hearing her stir, he reached across the seat and placed a hand over hers to wake her. Her skin was warm, soft and smooth, and that smallest of touches made his pulse skitter.

  “Time to wake up, Nats.” He slid his thumb down the palm of her hand. She shifted and pulled away, cuddling her pillow, but didn’t wake.

  “We’re almost at the hotel.” He nudged her again, and a few seconds later she raised her head, turned to look at him.

  “You look terrible,” she said, peering at him through sleepy eyes. Sexy eyes.

  “Thanks. I can return the compliment.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Early.”

  After glancing at the clock on the dashboard, she pulled herself up, straightened her clothes. “Good. There’s time enough to have some coffee before we meet with your attorney.”

  Her words made his skin prickle. He tightened his grip on the wheel and took a deep breath, as if filling his lungs with more oxygen could chase away the panic building inside. No such luck. The closer they got to meeting D.J., the more he wondered if he was up for the job.

  THEY MET WITH STEVE BENNETT, Mac’s attorney, before going to the hotel. Now they were in the room, organizing, setting out some games, books and puzzles, and making things comfortable for a boy they’d never met.

  Natalia showered and, for the occasion, changed into a white sweater and black slacks that were dressier than her normal jeans. While Mac showered, she relaxed on an easy chair next to the bed where D.J. would sleep. She’d spread out some of the clothes they’d bought for him, hoping the sizes Mac had been given were correct.

  They were to be at the hotel for only one night, but this would be D.J.’s first impression of America. His new country. His new home. Remembering her own experience, she hoped it would be a good one. She was glad Mac had picked the Hyatt, with its revolving restaurant at the top. Dinner there might be fun, and his son could see the city lights come on as they turned.

  The woman accompanying him was staying at the same hotel, and planned to spend the afternoon and whatever part of the evening with them she deemed necessary. She’d leave when she felt D.J. was comfortable enough to stay alone with them.

  Part of the plan was to go to the zoo in the afternoon, involving him in something other than the fact that he was being left in the care of strangers.

  Mac’s attorney had made sure the boy had seen pictures of them and his new house and the school he’d be going to. He’d been given all the important information a five-year-old could handle, and apparently was excited to come and live with them.

  Whether a child that age could comprehend all of it on more than a surface level was something they’d have to deal with after the excitement was over and their everyday lives began.

  Natalia realized she was again thinking “we,” something she had to stop doing immediately. She had to stay neutral, had to keep her distance.

  Mac had told her that after a few weeks, when D.J. seemed to be settled in, he’d explain to him that Natalia had to work, and wasn’t going to be around very much. He would gradually wean him away.

  Considering all she had to do when her business loan went through, she’d be too busy to spend a
whole lot of time with them, anyway.

  “How do I look?” Mac asked as he came out of the bathroom, all showered and shaved. His khaki pants and the black dress shirt, open at the collar, looked as if they’d come straight from the dry cleaners. He brushed the front of his shirt.

  “You look perfect, Mac. Now quit worrying and be your normal exuberant self.”

  “I’m exuberant. I’m ecstatic.” He did a mini tap dance, ending with outstretched arms.

  “Exuberance is a state of mind. It’s being in the moment, living large, sucking it all up and enjoying every second, and right now, that’s not you.”

  He made a droopy face.

  “Don’t worry. He’s a little boy who’s looking forward to meeting his father. If he’s never had a dad it will probably be one of the happiest moments in his life.”

  Mac sat in the matching chair next to her. “But what if I’m not what he imagined? What if I screw it up?”

  The look she sent him said get serious. “He’s five. He’ll adjust.”

  Mac reached to pick up the pants on the bed. “Are you sure these are something he’d wear? Do you think they might be too trendy?” He set them down and picked up the shoes. “Maybe he’d like a different—”

  Natalia bolted to her feet, placed her hands around her throat as if strangling herself. “Aghhh! Someone save me, please!”

  For the first time in two days, Mac laughed, a deep belly laugh, the kind she loved, and she laughed, too. When they stopped, she felt a release, as if a tight band inside her had snapped.

  He stood. “You’re right. I’m worrying too much. I need to forget all that and just be myself.”

  She touched his arm and said softly, “And that’s damned good. He’s a lucky little boy.”

  Mac’s eyes softened. “Thanks. Thanks for everything.”

  She pointed to her watch.

  He sucked in a deep breath. “Right. It’s showtime.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN