A Soldier's Secret Read online

  But Mac had said something that made her think. She needed help. And if she took time off from flying on her own, with some therapy, there was a chance that she might be able to fly again one day. But if not, she finally realized that both Serena and Mac were right. She could still run the business, still be a part of aviation.

  She’d already been given time off to recover, so extending the time seemed the logical thing to do.

  But none of that would change things between her and Mac, and just thinking about it made her chest ache. Even though they lived in the same house, she missed him. Missed the closeness, the fun, and simply being together without pretense. She missed her best friend, and without him, she would forever feel as if there was a void in her life.

  Despite that, at least she would have some peace. Since admitting she needed to get help, she’d felt a release, a sense of freedom that she hadn’t experienced since before Iraq. She felt as if she’d been shackled to a wrecking ball, getting battered over and over again, and now she was suddenly free. She could breathe.

  “Okay,” Serena said, coming out of the bathroom in her apartment above the café. “How does my makeup look?”

  “Beautiful. You look like you’re not wearing any.”

  “Good. That’s exactly the effect I wanted.” She gave Natalia a once-over. “Stunning,” she said. “Absolutely stunning.”

  “No,” Natalia said. “That will be you when you get the dress on.” She checked her watch. “We don’t have that much time, you know.”

  Mac had Joey with him, and they were going to the gallery with Cole, in Cole’s car. Once there, Mac would transfer Joey to Tori and Linc until the ceremony was over. Natalia would drive Serena, and that way they’d all have a car when they were finished.

  She worried about Joey, but he seemed okay with the plan and, she was happy to see, he and Mac seemed to have gotten much closer in the short time she was gone.

  “Okay, let’s see what it looks like.”

  “You already saw it.”

  “But not since it was altered.”

  Serena’s dress was a simple ecru off-the-shoulder design with a drop waist and a skirt that flared mermaidlike at the bottom. Unlike most brides, she chose to do her own hair, wearing it down as she usually did, and for jewelry, she wore only a simple silver chain with a heart charm that Cole had made and given to her on their graduation day from high school. Tiny diamond ear studs completed the ensemble.

  “C’mon. Let’s hustle. We’ve got a wedding to attend,” Natalia said.

  Forty-five minutes later, they were in the garden at Tori’s gallery in Sedona, waiting for the guests to arrive. Serena’s brother, Ryan, was back in town and was going to act as an usher along with Sam. The only parents present were Serena’s and Cole’s mothers. Natalia and Mac were to walk to the gazebo together, preceding Cole and Serena, who wanted nothing to do with the traditional father-giving-away-the-bride ceremony.

  The garden smelled of jasmine and honeysuckle, crimson bougainvillea tumbled over the top of the gazebo, and a white linen runner with rose petals strewn along it covered the path that led to the gazebo. Serena’s bouquet was simple, with baby’s breath and six melon-colored roses.

  The next thing they knew, the music began. Natalia adjusted Serena’s dress one last time and then went to stand at the doorway. Tori and Linc were sitting in the front row and she could spot Joey craning his neck to see them. She felt Mac’s presence before he came up to stand beside her. The last time she’d seen him this dressed up was when they’d gotten married in Laughlin, and he looked even more gorgeous today in a black suit and silver-gray shirt and tie.

  She could tell by his slow smile that he liked what he saw. Not that it mattered. Nothing would ever be the same between them, and she could only blame herself for that.

  When their music cue came up, he held out his arm and she put her hand through it, knowing it was probably the last time she’d feel him that close to her. While she wanted the moment to last, the few steps from the door to the gazebo were over in an instant and they parted, each to their own side, to wait on the bride and groom.

  The bridal music began and Natalia heard a soft rustling as everyone turned to watch the happy couple walk down the aisle together. Seeing Serena, smiling and happier than she’d appeared in a long time, made tears spring to Natalia’s eyes.

  This was the way a wedding should be. Two people unquestionably in love and wanting to spend the rest of their lives together, for better or for worse. Natalia glanced at Mac and her heart ached for what might have been. He was wrong when he’d said she wasn’t like most women.

  Maybe she hadn’t sat around as a child fantasizing about her wedding, but she wanted all the rest of it. A soul mate, the marriage, the family, a life with someone she loved deeply, and who could love her the same way, flaws and all. More than anything, she wanted that life to be with Mac.

  When the ceremony was over, Natalia, Mac and Joey sat with the bride and groom at their dinner table. As best man, Mac made a toast to the newlyweds, repeating almost word for word the same one Cole had expressed at their wedding reception. “Love like you’ve never been hurt,” stuck in Natalia’s mind. Did Mac really believe that was possible?

  After dinner and more than one more homage to the bride and groom, the festivities were over and she and Mac and Joey were in the car going home. Joey was more animated than she’d seen him since he’d arrived.

  “Did you and my dad get married like Uncle Cole and Aunt Serena?” the child asked.

  “What do you mean, sweetheart?” Natalia said.

  “You know. With all the kissing and stuff.”

  Exchanging glances, she and Mac laughed.

  “That’s what married people do, Joey,” Mac said. “There’s nothing wrong with kissing. Nothing at all.”

  “Then how come you don’t kiss Mommy?”

  Natalia grinned to herself, curious how Mac planned to handle that one.

  “I do,” he said. “You just don’t see me.”

  “Do you like to kiss Mommy?”

  She saw Mac’s throat working as he swallowed, obviously uncomfortable with the line of questioning.

  “Sure,” he finally said as he locked eyes with her. “We love each other very much, just like we love you. We’re a family.”

  Natalia shrank a little inside. They were a family. She wasn’t part of it.

  Joey’s forehead crinkled, as if he was puzzling something out, and then he said, “I never had a dad before.”

  Mac glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “Well, you do now, son. You have a dad for the rest of your life.”

  It was late when they got home, so Natalia helped tuck Joey in bed and then told Mac she had a headache and was going to go to bed herself. Playing the happy wife would be harder than ever, but she didn’t anticipate it was going to last much longer.

  MAC PULLED HIS SON’S door closed, but didn’t shut it all the way. Joey had dropped off to sleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, but he left the hall lights on, anyway, in case he awoke.

  Mac felt good about tonight. His son had actually initiated conversation, asking some uncomfortable questions and making Mac think about his answers.

  He did love Natalia, and he’d never realized how much until he’d faced the thought that he might have to live without her.

  He had no idea what she planned to do about her problem, but if she didn’t see the danger and risk she was placing on the people in her care, and do something about it, then someone had to make sure she did. He’d told her he wouldn’t report her, but if she did nothing, he was going to have to revisit that promise.

  His biggest concern right now was what he was going to tell Joey when his new mommy was no longer there.

  Mac would give anything to take it all back and start fresh. He could tell Natalia exactly how he felt and even if she didn’t feel the same way, at least he’d know. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he knew he had nothing
to lose.

  He undressed and drifted off easily, waking with a start when he heard a noise. Someone crying? Was he dreaming? He listened harder. The sound was coming from Natalia’s room. He got up, pulled on sweatpants and a T-shirt and went out, tiptoeing past Joey’s room. In front of Natalia’s he heard it again: soft, low crying.

  He turned the knob and pushed opened the door a crack. “Natalia?” he said in a hushed voice. “Can I come in?”

  The room became silent and he stepped closer. “I know this is a bad time, but I’d like to talk. It’s important.”

  She sat up. “Okay.” Her voice was small, unsteady.

  He went over and sat on the edge of the bed beside her. Even in the dim light, he could see tears staining her cheeks, and his chest squeezed. He knew her pain. He’d seen enough patients with PTSD to know. And if his own brief nightmares were any indication of what it must be like, he couldn’t imagine living with it and not going crazy.

  “I’ve been thinking about when you leave, and how that’s going to affect Joey.”

  “I know,” she said. “I’ve been thinking about it, too.”

  He reached out and took her hand. “I think I have a solution.”

  She looked up, and Mac could see the pain in her eyes. He wanted to pull her into his arms and protect her from anyone or anything that hurt her. “The easiest solution is for you to stay here.”

  Silence. She cleared her throat. “Stay?” Her voice cracked.

  He nodded. “Stay with me and Joey.”

  “I—I’m sorry. I don’t understand. How will that make things better? The longer I’m here, the harder it will be to leave, and the more chances that he’ll be deeply hurt.”

  “No, I don’t mean stay for a while longer. I mean stay forever.” Mac gently stroked her cheek. “I love you, Natalia. I want you to stay…as my real wife.”

  “But I thought—”

  She sat there for the longest time as if not comprehending. Then she shook her head.

  He slid closer, placed his hands over hers. “Whatever I said before, I take back. Whatever I said was out of hurt. I felt betrayed that you didn’t confide in me, and I should have been offering my support. That was wrong. Hell, I don’t even know what’s right and wrong anymore, except that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to stay, but not because of Joey. I want you to stay because I can’t imagine living without you, and I hope you can’t imagine living without me.”

  He reached out, took her hand. “Do you feel anything for me besides friendship, Natalia? Do you love me at all?”

  THE IRONY MADE HER LAUGH, and a flash flood of emotion crashed through her. Then she nodded.

  “Uh-uh!” Mac said.

  She looked up.

  “A nod doesn’t do it,” he said. “I know how difficult it is for you to open up to the possibility of being hurt, but you have to say it. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is once you do it.” He touched her lips with the tips of his fingers, then slowly said, “I…love…you.”

  She opened her mouth, then closed it again.

  He tipped his head, waiting.

  Finally, she mouthed, “I love you.”

  He shook his head. “Again. Only louder.”

  Taking another deep breath, she sat up, back straight, legs folded, and managed to say, albeit in a whisper, “I love you, David MacAllister.”

  Mac laughed. “Not bad. Maybe one more?”

  Narrowing her eyes, she grabbed the front of his T-shirt and yanked him toward her, nose to nose. “Don’t mess with me, MacAllister.”

  He smiled. “I wouldn’t dream of it. I’m dead serious.” He leaned forward and kissed her, softly at first, then passionately. And she kissed him back, her whole body melting into his.

  “I love you, Nats. I think I’ve loved you from the moment we met, only I was too stupid to see it. I loved your courage and strength when we worked together in Iraq, and again when you were struggling to get well. I kept telling myself I needed freedom, but the truth is I was afraid…afraid that I’d be left again like I was after my dad died. And after I was discharged, I couldn’t find a place that felt right to me until I found you once more and we started working together.

  “Being with you and Joey has only deepened my feelings. I was sure after we made love that you felt the same. But then you pulled away.”

  Natalia’s heart swelled. “It wasn’t you. I was scared. But I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’m going to be in therapy and I can’t ask you to—”

  He took her by the arms. “This is me, Natalia. I know what that’s going to mean. It won’t be a walk in the park. Few things worth having are. But it’s not all that complex, either. If you truly love me…” He searched her eyes. “Look at how much we’ve been through already.” He moistened his lips. Swallowed. “I can’t imagine life without you, Nats.”

  Could it possibly be that easy?

  Her throat cramped. “I do love you, Mac. More than I could ever have imagined.”

  He brought her tenderly into his arms. “Then let’s get married for real and quit acting.”

  She’d loved him for a very long time, she realized, and, now, she felt deeply loved in return. She’d believed if anyone knew about her problem, her life would be over—and instead, if she’d just take that leap of faith, it could be a new beginning.

  Eyes locked with his, their lips only a breath from touching, she raised her arms to his shoulders. “Just for the record—there was no acting on my part, MacAllister. And I would love to spend forever with you.”

  * * * * *

  ISBN: 9781459219847

  Copyright © 2012 by Linda Fensand Style

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